My Life Changing Journey to Motherhood

Ally's foot

It was dawn of August 12, 2013 when I realized that the time has come for me to face another chapter in my life– the Labor Day that I’ve been anxiously waiting for. The little life beating inside my womb chose that day to finally greet the world.

The light rains and gusty winds brought about by Typhoon Labuyo seemed to echo my inner thoughts as I silently uttered a prayer. I was a little nervous. I don’t know what will happen to me in the next hours. Will it be very painful just like what other people say? Can I deliver normally or will I undergo CS? These and many more questions were plaguing my thoughts. At the same time, I started to look back at my pregnancy journey. Mine was never an easy one.

The first 5 months witnessed how I battled extreme nausea, lack of appetite, painful cramps and weight loss. All my tests were perfectly normal except for my high sugar level and I was a little bit worried because my baby bump is not quite big. Some would even ask if I was indeed pregnant. Then came my congenital anomaly scan (CAS).

I can recall how excited we were that day because finally we will know the gender of our baby. We waited despite the long line. When it was our turn, we happily looked at the monitor showing her ultrasound profile. It’s a girl, the doctor said. I cried at the news because I’ve always wanted an “ate”. We are about to celebrate when the doctor said something. “The color of the left lung of the baby is not the same as her right. We needed to re-scan to make sure because there is a tendency of a CCAM (Congenital Cystic Adenomatoid Malformation).”

Ultrasound result of CAS (5th month)

I felt my blood drained. I wasn’t able to react but I felt like crying. The first question that came into my mind was why? Although we have no knowledge whatsoever of what the doctor have told us, my motherly instinct told me that there was something wrong with what she said. I was in self-denial. We were both silent on our way home. The supposed to be happy day didn’t turn out as we expected. The first thing that we did was to look up on what CCAM was all about. As per Wikipedia, there are lots of possibilities with CCAM. Type I has a large (>2 cm) multiloculated cysts. Type II has smaller uniform cysts. Type III is not grossly cystic, referred to as the "adenomatoid" type. And this kind of congenital disease has a fatality risk. My spirit sank at the thought.

After 2 weeks, we went to see a specialist for the re-scanning. I’ve never been scared like that throughout my life. We waited with bated breath on what the doctor would say. At first the scan was okay and then we asked on the thorough examination of her left lung. What she said made me cry. “There is a mass in her left lung.” I could no longer recall how I went home that day. I felt like happiness was sucked out of my life. I've never felt that sad my entire life.

 CAS results (6 months)

Although life went on, everyday was a struggle. A day before my birthday we went to my OB for further interpretation of the findings of the specialist. What she said even startled us. She advised us to be ready financially, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. She told us upfront that the findings were not good.  The mass seen in baby’s left lung was diagnosed as Type I and could be fatal as the doctor said. If she will have a bloated stomach upon delivery, we can no longer save her life. As per her words, we just have to let her go. But if her stomach is normal, she can undergo the surgery for removal. The procedure could cost us 400 thousand up to 1 million under charity. She advised us to seek referral from the specialist in order to obtain the charity case.

It felt like I lost all my energy. I started to blame myself. I was like a walking zombie, afraid and almost couldn’t face the future. And then just like a fallen warrior, I turned to God. On my birthday, we went to Baclaran Church and I’ve never prayed anything like that, ever. With tired spirit I lifted everything to Him that day. I said I will never wish of anything for myself, all I wanted for my birthday was for my baby to be okay.

I worried and cried every single night thinking of my baby. I’m afraid that despite being in my womb, she might have felt the effects of her condition. It was difficult also especially if people would ask how I was doing. Deep inside I wanted to be left alone and not be asked. We only opened up to closest friends and relatives. There are times that I’m almost inconsolable. Just the sight of a baby commercial made me cry. I could not talk to her without shedding a tear as it was my routine to tell her stories, talk about my daily activities and my excitement of seeing her finally. Even though my husband wouldn’t tell, I know he too felt my pain. Together we fervently prayed and prayed.

On the 7^th month we again scheduled for another congenital scan. During the scan, the doctor said that the mass could no longer be seen. If not for the closed space, I could have shouted and jumped. I’m trembling and overwhelmed with hope. The doctor explained that CCAMs sometimes do regress. Or since she was in a prone position the last time, there was a blockage in the ultrasound. For whatever reason, it no longer mattered to me. After 2 months of worry, I finally heaved a sigh of relief.

CAS results (7 months)

The next day I planned to go back to Baclaran Church for thanksgiving. We do not know the schedule of the mass but when we arrived we were just right in time for the rosary. Then the lector announced after the rosary, “Brothers and Sisters, our mass celebrant for today is His Eminence Jose Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle”. I was surprised and felt blessed because it was the first time that I attend a mass officiated by the head of the Catholic Church in the Philippines. What was more surprising was the message he imparted that time. The gist of his message was like, the intensity of praying should be the same when a person is in need or not. It should be the same also when we pray for our brothers and sisters who are also in great need.

The Baclaran experience felt like God had meant everything to happen, that my whole ordeal started and ended as He willed it to transpire and that my birthday wish was granted already but He wanted to give it to me in the most meaningful and heartfelt way. The mass was a sweet spiritual awakening, a reminder that in whatever we do we must put God in our midst. That every problem, challenge, suffering and pain will make sense in His time. For us, what we went through was a spiritual journey that we will always treasure and be thankful for.

On the 8^th month, the specialist confirmed that the mass was no longer seen confirming the previous findings. It was only that time that we panicked for the preparation of her things. Almost every weekend we would buy her stuffs and research for the best methods on how we would take care of her.

CAS Results (8th month)

As I was riding the taxi on our way to the hospital for my delivery, I realized I will not trade everything that had happened to me during my pregnancy. And I know that God will always be with me as He always had. My journey was not about to end. It has only began.

Our bundle of joy Aleandra Carmelle