One Big Fight

This is not related to any boxing event or a cheering for a famous university here in the Philippines. This is about that one point in your wedding preparation where both of you are in battle mode, in a heated argument on what color to choose, what design to follow, what budget to consider, whether to include the ninongs (men principal sponsor) and ninangs (women principal sponsor) your mom or dad chose for you without your knowledge and the list goes on and on. This is the typical scene one should expect if you are doing your own wedding preparations.

I myself have been forewarned by the many articles, magazines and wedding guides about this. Arguments during the preparations are inevitable. And no matter how long it took your preparation, in our case one year, you will still feel the pressure of putting things together so you would have your ultimate dream wedding. And as the day nears, the more irritated, pressured, nervous and stressed you become. But relax, I repeat, this is normal and should not be anything to fear of.

Based on my readings and personal experience, I will rundown common causes of disputes that would-be-brides and grooms should be aware of or at least be ready of. Believe me you will just realize that your worst nightmare came to life after the argument. This article is intended to serve as guide on how to react during the situation and return to neutral ground after bile-rising debates.

What causes the disputes?

In our usual daily routines, disputes are common from the most petty to the serious ones. So our wedding preparation is no stranger to these scenarios.

1.      Busted plans

Common disagreements start when things are not going the way it was originally planned. Take for example, both of you initially agreed to have an intimate gathering of friends and family. But as time passes by, the list bloats due to the huge number of your extended family and their friends. You cannot do anything because news travel fast and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. In times like this, you needed to be honest and lay down the cards at the same time try not to make them unimportant. Their being not invited doesn’t mean they are less special only that you cannot afford to cover everyone. 

This becomes an issue on whether to stick to the original plan or adjust to the demands of the time. In order to address this, the couple should set certain thresholds. Learn to set limits on plans since they should at least be adjustable. Not too little, not too much. Each one should contribute in limit setting. 

Still the best way to a woman's ♥ ;)

2.      Family Interference

Everyone is guilty. It is a common Filipino trait especially on closed-knit families to be a part of each other’s special moments in life. So some family members would suggest things like choosing your future ninangs or ninongs. It should always be your choice. If you wanted to seek your parents’ opinions, always point out that you will be the one to choose and not them.  Remind this ahead so as not to put them on the spot also. Because they might have already told a friend to become your ninong and they can no longer take it back. 

In times where family members’ opinions are strong and are pressuring you out, politely tell them that their ideas are great but you also need to consider yours and your partner because after all, it is your wedding. Although it’s a family affair, you should always have the last say. Just do it in a nice way so as not again to hurt their feelings. But if it unavoidable don’t be guilty. Just let them understand of the situation.

3.      Budget Woes

The wedding would not be possible without the budget. Cost considerations should be updated every now and then to keep track of the actual expenses. Budgeting is getting tricky and tough nowadays due to the unexpected rise of commodities and services. Sometimes, what were considered as nice-to-have become must-have traditions. Although this issue could be avoided, sometimes you cannot help but argue whether to maintain the original budget or opt for an upgrade. Wedding suppliers also have the tendency to offer great deals which you can’t resist but to your fiancé’s opposition. In times like these, both of you should be level-headed and should not easily accuse one another of being capricious or inconsiderate. Because both of you have a common goal, and that is to make your day memorable. As what I mentioned in problem number 1, setting the limit is important and this applies with budget woes.

What our budget list looks like

Should there be instances that budget is already getting under both your nerves, do not let it consume you. Remember this will be your first project together, so resolving it will also show your financial maturity. Future brides should not treat the preparations as shopping spree and always look for a good deal but within your agreed budget. Worst case, consider a downgrade. For future grooms, do not be annoyed if your bride insists of getting his dream gown design or floral arrangements. Offer to research on other similar designs but would still be in range to the budget. If you cannot find one, that’s the time that you peacefully remind your bride that the budget could not accommodate what she wants. Resolve the issue by volunteering to do other major tasks.

4.      Time management

Time is also a big factor in wedding preparations. That is why it is always a point of discussion every time things do not materialize as scheduled. So it is best to have enough allowance for the schedule to prevent cramming. If future groom failed to do what he was assigned, do not freak out. Check for other options. If future bride did not gather the complete information needed, be reasonable and seek her reasons. Each of you should cover each other’s back and not highlight one another’s inefficiencies. So as magazines and wedding planners suggest, plan ahead and allot 14 months of preparations for wedding dates scheduled in December to January and 12 months for the rest.

Sample wedding accessories list

5.      Shattered Expectations

Let’s go back to the premise that women tend to be more vocal about their feelings but secretive of their expectations and men are more vocal about their expectations and secretive of their feelings. Take for example, we wanted them to at least initiate on their own and contribute in the wedding preparations. But it does not happen and we are getting emotional and a fight ensues. Women are ranting of failed expectations and men are clueless adding fuel to the fire. Moral of story, tell your fiancé of his tasks and in a specific manner. Do not expect more from what you have agreed. It is called managing expectations. If he performs beyond the agreement then great! If not, do not sulk and conclude that he doesn’t care. He does and next time request in your sweetest and loving way. He would surely remember his tasks.

6.      Mood Swings

Although this should be categorized as least concern, this is also not exempted to be a part of the causes of intense quarrels. Women are most likely to be guilty of this. Although, I won’t talk about this as an excuse or expound on the psychological, physical, emotional, or mental cause as to why this is happening, guys should be aware that we are most of the time the one attending to the preparations from the general to the littlest detail. So we are most likely and in a biased way prone to more stress and emotional tantrums. In times like this, fiancés should show support and extend understanding. If the bride-to-be looks piqued already, do not counter her mood heads-on. Count one to ten and ask if she needs some help. If she answered in a pissed manner, do not be angry. Give her some space and ask again later. If she is still pissed, then maybe it’s about time to have some serious talk.

Chummy chummy ♥

Do not let the pressure of the wedding make you forget about how much you love each other. You will be facing more of these disagreements in your married life so cut the crap and move on easily. If you can’t take the heat, seek help from mature people like your parents, married relatives and friends. These things are bound to happen. Just do not let it spoil your relationship instead strengthen your bond. Remember, better things happen after fights. ;)